I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
