My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
