he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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