Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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