Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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