My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
