Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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