PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
