My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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