I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
