At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
