At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize