i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
