Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
