we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
