theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
