just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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