i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
