her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i think my tv is drunk
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
