I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
