somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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