why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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