she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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