Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
