I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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