Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
