i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
