last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
3 2 1 whiskey
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
