the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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