How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
