my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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