dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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