I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
