a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
