You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You smell like stripper and shame
it was like his penis was on wheels.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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