I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Is it because I queefed?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
