I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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