I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
