his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
