Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
