Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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