i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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