my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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