make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
