Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
