i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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