You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
