you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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