I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
