i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
