Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
