i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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