Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
