I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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