i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
