Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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