It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
