well you can't waste a boner
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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