Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
