he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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