Whod you bang
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
