I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
