i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
