I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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