I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
