if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
