What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
