Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
