I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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