dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
