my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
