the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
