I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
