I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
