I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
