If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
