Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I could make wine with my vomit
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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