he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
