I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
