If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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