A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
