This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
