Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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