he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
